What If I’m Not Able To Have A Child Again?

In my first year in high school, one of my classmates drugged me and got me deflowered. This experience left me broken and wary of the male gender. I became guarded around men until I completed high school. I didn’t want to have such an encounter again so I did everything within my power to keep what was left of me.

After high school, my friend added me to a WhatsApp group that was meant for fun and socializing. Two days in the group, someone posted “I’m at Ring Road. Who is available to hang out?” I was 18 and fresh out of high school with some time on my hands so I took a chance and texted him, “I’m available to hang out.” We planned and met at Eddy’s. I felt we had an instant connection. All the walls I put up to shield me against men came crashing down like Jericho’s walls when I was in his presence. When the hangout came to an end and we had to part ways, I left with a lot of hope in my heart that we were meant to be together. I felt safe around Michael. That kind of safety that makes you loosen up and allow yourself to be carried away.

So, Michael became my first love. Things became pretty intense between us after our first encounter. I made a commitment to love him and go through it all with him to the end. Two months into our relationship we spent our first night together. It was magical. It was everything I hoped for. I had no regrets. It wasn’t really about the shuperu but the connecting and vibe that came with it. It was the racing of my heart every time I looked at him and saw the way he looked at me. I fell down flat in love with him.

But there was a problem. Michael had another girlfriend. A German. According to the story he told me, this girl left the country without saying goodbye to him. He was hurting and struggling to get over her. That was exactly the point I walked into the frame. He said he was over her but when the girl reached out to him, his actions said otherwise. I was right here in Ghana with him but his WhatsApp status was full of stories and photos of his German girl who lived miles across the sea.

All of a sudden, he became too busy to care about my needs. He wouldn’t pick up my calls or return them. When the German girl comes to Ghana, he would block me and then unblock me when she leaves. I loved him very much but it was very obvious I wasn’t part of his plans. We had a fight one day and we broke up. I thought it was the end of us but he came back and I forgave him. We made up and made love.

Two months later I realized I’d missed my period for some time but I wasn’t bothered. I wasn’t showing any signs of pregnancy whatsoever so I didn’t think I could be pregnant. There was no vomiting or any kind of morning sickness. My cycle was usually irregular so I thought it was one of those delayed periods. I recall I used to eat more than usual and I was always sleeping. I had gotten a job as a salesgirl at that time but I couldn’t keep up. My sleep pattern started messing with my work. So one Saturday night after work, I bought the home pregnancy test kit, went home with it, and did the test. It was positive. It knocked the wind out of my sail and I started panicking. “Me? Pregnant? How am I going to deal with that? I was only 19 at the time s you can imagine my state of mind when I found out that I was pregnant.

I couldn’t tell Michael straight away because we were fighting. In fact, I’d broken up with him days before because he went back to the German lady. I knew he wasn’t going to give me any positive feedback I tell him about the pregnancy so I kept it to myself.

When push came to shove, I told my mother about it. My elder brother and my sister also found out about it later. I was set to go back to school to further my education so it all came down to which choice wouldn’t interfere with my education. Before we could do anything, I picked up the phone and called Michael. I told him “I’ve missed my period for two months. I took a test and it was positive.” His response was, “Have you taken a scan to confirm that you are truly pregnant or you are just being dramatic and looking for attention?” I got furious. “You take me for a fool? So much so that you think I wouldn’t know when I’m pregnant?”

It was obvious he wasn’t going to do anything about it so we went ahead and got rid of it so I could go back to school.

It has been 8 years since I did that. I’m 27 now and I don’t have any man in my life. Sometimes I get scared and wonder if I will be able to have any children when I’m ready. While I was contemplating life and fearing for the future, my junior sister also got pregnant. She was nineteen. The same age I also got pregnant. She was heading in the same direction I went until I put my foot down and said, “No, she can’t do that. I didn’t have anyone when it happened to me but she has me. No, I won’t allow her to go through the same path I went through. She has to do better than I did.”

I’m currently a nurse and earning my own money so I supported her in whatever way I could until she gave birth. I know better now and I am glad to be in my sister’s corner. She has a beautiful baby boy now. Anytime I see the child, there’s this pride that creeps into my heart and makes me joyful. I let my own baby go but my junior sister’s baby had now become my joy. Sometimes I get lonely. I begin to think about the child I didn’t have. I asked myself, “What if I had him/her? How would he/she look like by now?” I didn’t get to meet him/her but I miss him sometimes and wish I kept him.

Source: Silent Beads

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